I moved out of home to a 2 bedroom unit, 3 months before I turned 19.
I was first diagnosed with depression (my doctor called in situation depression) when I was 19 September 2003, after ending a physically violent relationship. I started drinking shortly after finding that I needed a drink first thing in the morning. Between October 2002 and September 2004 I had 9 miscarriages. I quit drinking in late September 2004. Around early November I found out I was pregnant. the baby was due in April 2005. I turned 21 in January 2005, I was eligible for a government payment. During my pregnancy I become more and more depressed gaining huge amounts of weight, I moved back home in early April 2005 so my mum and dad could help me with the baby. By May a weighted 134kg. On the 14th of May 2005 at 9.26pm, I gave birth to a healthy boy who I named Jesse. I was happy, he was my saviour. Because of him I walked away from the path I was heading of alcohol, sex and eventually drugs, he helped to not go back to that life.
2 months after he was born we moved in a flat just the two of us, I struggled daily with my depression Jesse helped my through it because I wasn’t just living for me anymore, waking up every morning to his contagious smile, it was very hard to stay depressed, I got a job in July 2007, I was doing well, In October 2007 I single-handedly organized a Christmas party including presents and food at my youthie club, ages ranging from newborn to 18+, up to 200 people, at the same time I got a second job in November while still working my first job, I was prescribed an antidepressant at this time, and finding donations for the youthie Christmas party, by December 2007, I also had to pack up my flat and find a new place to live between the Christmas party and both my jobs, the Christmas party was a success, Thankfully. I moved home to my parents on the 8th of January 2008 (the owner was selling) for two weeks before moving into a house with my best friend as the second tenant. she babysat on off day-care days while I worked both jobs. In march I was prescribed a drug for insomn! ia.
In April 2008 she moved back in with her boyfriend, at that time I also quit my second job, within 2 months I went into a spiral depression, to which after calling the mental heath hotline took them 6 weeks to organize an appointment. Turned out that my spiral was caused by my prescribed medication as I had my anti-depressant in the morning and my insomnia medication at night, unbeknown me where both a form of anti-depressant which counteracted each other making both null and void. I then went onto just my insomnia pills. In July 2008 I got a different second job. In October 2008 I met and fell in love with a Cook Island man, whose job when we met was a traveling vacuum sales man, we fell in love. he moved in November 2008, I fell pregnant with my second child Early December 2008. During that Christmas period I had no work, Until the beginning of the Australian school year. On February 15th 2009 my told me that she had lung cancer, both me and my mum where heavy smokers, I still am, Unfortunately. mum didn’t tell me sooner because as most people know February 14th is valentine day, and mum didn’t want to ruin my first celebrated valentines with a partner (my parents always gave me valentines gifts). I quit both of my jobs as I was not dealing well with mum’s cancer, mum decided not to have treatment as it had less than a 1% chance of working, I was pregnant and highly depressed in which my Partner/fiancée was totally ignoring me, I cried my self to sleep more times than I could count, only to be woken up to him stripping me at 3-4am when he decided to came to bed. I hated myself because I couldn’t say no and I hated myself because I was nothing but a sex toy. in late July 2009 I again moved back to my parents due to rent arrears and the new baby. On the 18th of August at 9.43am 2009 I gave birth to my second son Lacham. To whom I have always called my Awakener.
In January 2010 I moved out of my parents into a new house near Jesse’s new school. Unfortunately I had to get L! acham! 9;s father to sign the lease as well to get the house so he moved back in. my mum was still battling daily with her cancer. in March 2010 one of my best friends Chris passed away from a stroke. Chris was one of my support people as I was his, ( Chris was trisexual, meaning he’d try any once and if he liked he’d do it again), he was always trying to get me to be his eighth wife (jokingly), Lacham’s father isolated me from him and everybody else, except my mum, she forced her way passed him on many occasions even on an oxygen machine. I wasn’t allowed to get a job. I got paid $125 per week from the government to pay $300 a week rent as well as other bills and food. Lacham’s father worked but we ( Jesse, Lacham and I) never got anything. I still got 2-3-4am strips when Lacham’s father decided to come to bed 99.9% drunk. my depression got even worse, I learned to make the most of what food I had, I begged for food, nappies and formula from my parents and Jesse’s father. During late July mum went into palliative care at the local hospital.
In late August 2010 after celebrating Lacham’s first birthday. I moved yet again back home to my parents (got evicted because of rent arrears). On the 14th of September 2010 at 11.11pm my mum passed away. My life had totally gone to hell at that moment as my mum was my biggest support/best friend/my rock in the storm/my strength to withhold against anything, was gone. her funeral was on the 21nd of September 2010, On the 24th of September I found out I was pregnant again. a couple days later we(my dad, me and my younger brother) found out that my younger brother had to go in for spinal surgery in the beginning of February 2011, to which he might become paraplegic 75% chance. We were all grieving at the time not only for my mum but for my brother. I was excited about the new baby, making plans and was even going through the process of buying my own house a new beginning for me, the 2 boys and the new baby, just us. Christmas that year! was mela! ncholy yet I felt hopeful.
On the 11th of January 2011 I went for my 20 week ultrasound (I was 21wks gestation), later that night I got a phone from the John Hunter Hospital stating that something was wrong with my baby and that I had to come down to Newcastle for a cross examination, my appointment was booked for the 13th, I asked the nurse who called me how long she had worked in that unit she said 13 yrs, I then asked her for her personal not official opinion on the ultrasound results, she replied that I’m must likely looking at a termination. I spent all of that night coming to grips with the fact by 3am I know that I could deal with a termination if I had to, On the day my brother drove me into town so I could inform my close friends and Lacham’s(and the new baby’s) father about the situation. On the drive into town the baby’s name came to me (I’ve always known if I had a daughter what her name would be since I was 6 yrs old, the name I had was for a live daughter) LYRA. The next day at 4am me, my dad and Lacham left home and traveled to Newcastle a 3-4 hour drive non stop a 6ish hour drive with kids. Got a confirm that there was definitely a problem with the baby, the baby had multiple cysts in both of the kidneys, the baby’s bladder was the size of a pin head and had less than 1.5cm of amniotic fluid around the baby, and because of this the baby’s lungs weren’t developing properly. the doctors told me that i could carry the baby full term, but that it might only live maybe for an hour or that it could be born still born. I decided on the day that I would induce as I know that carrying the baby full term would kill my family, Me, Dad, my Brother, Jesse(he was hoping for a baby sister). With my brother’s surgery so close roughly 3 wks away I decided to induce. on the 14th of January they induced me, after seeing the hospital psychologist to ensure that I knew what I was doing( I told her honestly that I knew what I was doing and that I knew that I would! d crash i! n roughly 6 months from that point), so exactly 4 months to the day after my mother passed away I was induced I prayed to the creator ( I am not religious) that day like I never have before that the baby would be born the next day. At 11.23am the next day the 15th of January 2011 I gave birth and caught in my hands my first and only daughter, LYRA DETA ( Deta after my mum). She was born stillborn. She at 22 wks and 1 day gestation, was 520gm and 25cm long. My brother went in for the surgery 3 wks later instead of doing what they planned the doctors just shaved his popped disc so it wasn’t laying on the nerve. my brother came out of the surgery fine. when he went to surgery, the boys and stayed with Lacham’s father for 3 wks to give my brother quiet time to heal without 2 very noisy hyperactive boys around. During those 3 wks Lacham and Lyra’s father accused me of murdering HIS daughter.
My life spiraled very quickly from there. I asked my doctor to prescribe me a much stronger antidepressant at my 6wk examination. I to this day do not remember much from the 16th February 2011 to early October 2011, until in early/mid October I stayed with my best for a weekend when we took Jesse and Lacham fishing for the carp round up ( In Australia carp are a pest and every year there is completion weekend) Jesse won for the smallest carp caught 25gm. That night Lacham’s father showed up, we had all been drinking after the boys were asleep. so anyway he showed up and joined in with the drinking later that night very early am the next morning he came into the room that me and the boys were sleeping in. and stripped me of my clothes while the boys slept next to me. I lay there crying silently so not to wake the boys or let my best friend know what was happening. About 2 wks later went to my psychologist and told her what happened. she helped me to call the women’s refuge. i moved into the women’s refuge with the 2 boys on the 1st of November 2011 and on the 14th of November I moved into a ! Governmen! t housing property. Life was ok for a month or so before Lacham’s father found where we were living and moved in. In very late February 2012 I found that I pregnant for a third time to Lacham’s father. I was still having problems with my depression. Up until the 10th of May 2012 very late that night I think it was about 11.45, Lacham’s father was still drunkard and while he never hit me( a girl) he did hit and fight with Lacham(to which I could not protect Lacham, even though I tried). we had a big fight on the night of the 10th of may 2012, to which ended with my growing a backbone and telling him to get out of my house(I was going to give him until morning but he brought my mum into the fight) (the 11th of may was her birthday, he finally pushed me to far), so kicked him out of my house at 11.45 pm. that was not to say he didn’t leave town. about a week later I went back down John Hunter Hospital to make sure that this baby was healthy. Lacham’s father stayed around until the 23rd of September 2012 which is the day he left on the train. The sunshine at the moment of the train leaving suddenly become Golden in my eyes and everything was brand new and bathed in a golden glow.
My third and youngest son was born on the 23rd of October 2012 with 2 of my best friends from high school in the labor ward with me. Ronan at 7.43pm. He become my little Healer. I found after I came home from the hospital that I had lost the ability to be a single mum, so I asked around town and found help. by this time in my life I was diagnosed with chronic depression and though I didn’t know it at that time I was also a hoarder. I had one entire room in the house full to the brim of stuff. I found help with the local family support service. They helped my a lot with me relearning how to be a mum and clearing out most of my stuff. They as so helped to understand that what i had gone through with Lacham’s, Lyra’s and Ronan’s father had been domestic abuse, I joined a learning about and ! healing f! rom domestic violence group with the family support team which really helped with me understanding that it wasn’t my fault for what he did. I was still trying to cope with my depression and my hoarding issues. In February 2013 Lacham who was 3 at the time was out of control he was physically dangerous to me and his brothers. breaking furniture, trying to smother Ronan, Strangling me and Jesse. I started asking for help for him with the paediatric clinic at the local hospital. as knew something was not right. between then and to the 16th of October 2014, (for people especially in the medical profession to take me seriously about not only myself needing help but also Lacham and Jesse).
After February 2013 I was coping ok with everything. I could deal with Lacham to a certain degree, Lacham was seeing a child psychologist and we were practicing PCIT (Parent Child Interactive Therapy). which worked really well for a time, I could keep the house clean, I enjoyed being with my boys. then it all went to putty in roughly January this year. Between January and October 2014 I crashed severely. I started going into the longest and darkest spiral of my life. I was so bad i was contemplating suicide, but not only suicide but homicide as well(taking the three boys with me). All during this time I was desperately trying to get help for me, Jesse and Lacham. Then on the 16th of October I was on the phone to a friend and I snapped at something she said. Resulting in her calling the police to whom I was honest with. My boys got taken to my dad’s and he looking after them. and I to this date which is 22nd November 2014, still have my depression but my children are getting the help I’ve been seeking for them. Lacham has been finally diagnosed with ADHD and a severe form of Autism. Jesse has been diagnosed with an LD ( Learning Disorder). Ronan luckily is just a normal 2yr old boy with bad learned behaviors from his brothers. so that means that the boys are getting the help them need. And I am seeing a psych! ologist, ! a mental heath nurse, and psychiatrist. as well as I am doing meditations daily, I run daily, I box daily, and I have found a couple of websites that I visit daily to help me. first one is www.healingfromdepression.com and the second though he is very straight forward and can be taken to be insulting is www.actualized.org . I may not be fully there yet but I am working on getting my life back from myself everyday. Every day is a New beginning, Where my past is just that my past and my future is yet to come, I live in each moment as it comes.
I encourage to do the same.
My main point in my story is that is never to late to get help and even if it means that your life changes so much.
NEVER be Afraid to ASK for HELP, the first step, asking is always the hardest but it is worth it.
NO MATTER HOW BAD LIFE GETS. PLEASE KNOW THERE IS HOPE.
HOPE FOR YOUR FUTURE.