During kindergarten, there was a rule about eating everything on your plate before you could go up to dump your plate. If teachers believed you could eat more, then you were to sit at the table until you they had approved. This rule really bothered me, because when I was a child, I did not like eating in front of people. I would have panic attacks, not knowing what they were at the time, and would not want to eat. The teachers always came around circling me, because they thought I was throwing a tantrum, a mere fit, to get my way. They wouldn’t approve until I had tried to eat everything on my plate, but what they did not understand about me, is that I had anxiety. Everyday, I would try my best to give away and eat what I could of my food, but was denied going up to dump my plate. Now I could not eat anymore, so I would panic, being a child and wanting desperately to stay with my friends, my comfort zone. So I would get sick, with worry mostly, but also with panic. The first time I knew I was about to get sick, so i started to get up, to run to the bathroom. But the teachers blocked my path, they would not let me go away from my spot at the table. I threw up in the middle of the cafeteria, with everyone watching me. The teachers shreaked and some even ran away. The students all expressed their disgust. Little did they know, they had just created one of the worst problems for me in my whole life. Anxiety, my definition defines it as the fear of embarrassing myself into being alone. To have everyone’s eyes on me staring with the absolute pure feeling of disgust on what I had done.
This situation repeated almost everyday for months. Having my mom pick me up and take me home if my clothes were caught in the crossfire, or changing there in the nurses office and getting on with the day. I was mortified, every time I went to the bathroom at lunch, everyone knew what I was going to do. One teacher suggested to my mother that I get taken to the hospital, to get medication for my fears. One suggested that I be put alone to eat. One told all of the other teachers to treat me differently, to just say okay when I was done. One even transferred off lunch duty, just so she didn’t have to deal with me, she might have even quit. I don’t remember. All I remember is, my anxiety made my life hell. I didn’t have many friends from that point to 4th grade, they came and went. But I finally stopped getting sick at lunch during 1st and 2nd grade. Yet all of the teachers seemed to keep their watch on me. The anxiety still creeped up upon me during lunch, I just reminded myself, no one was going to force me.
In 6th grade, I bonded with a girl in my class. She didn’t care about my past, it didn’t really matter for her. And i thought that’s what she wanted. But, throughout the next few months and even a year, the careless attitude, the requests to come to my house, the questions about my brother, the suggestions about my brother, the sneaking into his room when he wasn’t home. It all made sence. She wasn’t really my friend. She was using me to get to my brother. I’d been so blinded by the thought of actually having a friend, that i couldn’t see that she didn’t want anything to do with me, and everything to do with my brother. So I stopped talking to her, and for awhile I was alone, I didn’t talk to many people and I was fine with that. During that time, I had picked up a habit I thought I would never do. I became reliant on self harm. To escape the pain, I burned, cut, and bruised myself.
By 7th grade, I had developed a crush on a boy at school. I got in a fight because someone was bullying one of my friends, she was picking on her so I intercepted them. At first it wasn’t bad. Then she got me down on the ground, throwing me into the concrete. Punching me in the face, I fought back, throwing her off of me and into a wall. She backed off, then and I screamed for her to back off. My head was bleeding, and my vision blurred but I was still ready to defend my friend. I had a concussion and was out of school for a few days the other girl was expelled for two weeks. When I came back, the boy asked if I would be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic. He was perfect, he defended me, listened to everything I had to say, and he cared about me. Or at least i thought. Lets call him Ty. Ty told me I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him. He built me up so much, helped me so much that I stopped self mutilation. He even beat up someone and got thrown in jail because the guy had bullied me. It was a highlight of my life, up until it started to end. Ty broke up with me the first time out of nowhere. It had been half a year. I didn’t know why. I didn’t ask. I cried a lot. He started to talk to me again, a week later, he had asked me out again. I was on top of the world again. Then he ended it once again. This cycle repeated 3 more times over the next year. Until I finally broke it off with him. He was cheating on me with another girl the whole time. On my birthday, I had two friends over, and they realized that Ty had broken my heart. So I was fragile almost. I had called Ty because he made me promise to call him on the night of it. I left him a message saying that I was fine being friends if thats what he wanted. And that I won’t deny my feelings but he hurt me more than he thought.
I got text messages back saying how stupid I was, how much of a whore I was, and how worthless I am. His new girlfriend (the one he had cheated on me with) and his twin sister had his phone. They called me, shouting through the phone to kill myself, that Ty never liked me. That I had no one, I was alone, I was ugly, fat, disgusting. I sat there listening for a minute, frozen, while my friends desperately tried to wretch the phone from my hand. Their words rung in my head. “Go kill yourself ugly whore” On what world does anyone have the right to say something like that to someone? That night I cried more than I talked. My friends had to guard me all night. They locked up my knives, lighters, anything I could hurt myself with. Three days later it was christmas. I was wearing long sleeves once again to hide my pain marks. No one stood up for me. Even when I asked for their opinion, they said to ignore it. If i had ignored the girl bullying my friend, what would have happened to her? I went out with a boy, just to be nice, and ended up breaking his heart. I feel so bad about that to this day. But he got back at me. He harassed me and bullied me with his friend for months on end. Whore. Fat. Ugly. Bitch. Slut. Go die. Worthless. Stupid. They never stopped. I hurt myself more and more, believing them. Finally I took a friday off and spent it with my dogs, wishing it all away. I cried, I hurt myself, but then I realized that they weren’t worth it. It hurt, but I would never prove to them that I wasn’t worth of living.
When I came back there was a new student in my class. We’ll call her Amelia. She was caring, innocent, and funny. I bonded instantly with her after cracking a few jokes and we became close friends. Texting each day, hanging out every weekend. Normal girl stuff. She told me she had self harmed in the past too, and she still struggled with it. Which I was fine with, I was the same way. I felt a connection with her, like she was a real friend. Then after 5 months of being best friends she started to hang out with some bad people. She got into some drugs and some bad influences. She got so enthralled in marijuanna that she peer pressured me into it. I felt stupid for falling for it. So stupid, that I began to hate the way I thought. But Amelia just had a way of convincing you, of making you want to impress her. And once you were in her spell, she acted as if she cared so well, she manipulated you so well, that you needed her. I began cutting and burning again. Horribly, worse than ever. Amelia acted as if I were dumb to do it, that you should not show any emotions. To cover it all up. And to act any way else than that was not acceptable. So I kept it to myself then. Amelia then started to hiding her phone and flinched every time she got a text message, which I thought nothing of.
One night, she was having a party at her house, inviting guys over and a few of her bad friends. I was put in the middle of the group while they smoked and peer pressured into it again. Just as she wanted. She sat me on the couch with one of the guys, while her and another one went with her into her bedroom. Then I felt a vibration by my hand, I looked down. Her phone was there. I looked through her messages to find that she had been sleeping with my brother. And planning around me coming over, lying straight to my face. I started crying instantly, even under the influence of the “happy drug” pain demanded to be felt. That night I didn’t sleep, I didn’t talk much, I didn’t even care enough to get up off the ground of the bedroom I was in. I sat there, thinking about how she must’ve laughed in my face every time she said she had to go shopping with her dad, or go back to her hometown for two days. I sat, thinking how well my brother had lied to me, how well he had pretended he wasn’t stabbing a knife in my back everytime he smiled at me. I sat, wanting so desperately wanting to die, but stuck frozen in the intensity of betrayal, and of pain.
The next morning she found out I knew, and apoligized, crying to me. And out of pure stupidity I said i would forgive her in time. The next few weeks she treated me as if I was her best friend again. Then one day when I finally started to believe her, she started to smoke ciggarettes. As her friend, she told me to kill her if she ever began smoking them. I tried to obey and she laughed at me, said she wasn’t addicted. After awhile she began to blame me for her cutting, her addiction, her saddness. She talked about me behind my back, constantly. She began dating a guy because of the sex. And slowly I felt myself drifting away.
Until she set me up with his best friend, Tucker. He constantly got me high and we did things, I never would have jumped into so quickly. Little did i know he laced his drugs up until the point that he almost raped me. I broke it off and constantly got teased that I broke up with him cause he was “too much to handle”. During this, I met a freshman named katie. She was really sweet and we became best friends through the course of a few days or maybe a week i guess. She helped me in every way. So I began to drift away from Amelia slowly. One day, Amelia said that she was moving back to her hometown, saying that she couldn’t stand being away from her boyfriend. I simply told her it would be alright and they would be fine. She moved that month, and I was free. Up until the point Katie said that she was moving also. After everything her & I had been through it was about to be thrown away. She said she would visit, that she would never forget about me. She was the one who had made me promise never to hurt myself again.
I got through the rest of that month by crying at night, listening to music during the day, and spending all my time alone. On the 2nd to last day of school, my friend Kay asked me to come to a reward movie for school in the band room. I went with because she was the closest thing I could have to a friend that WANTS to hang out with me. As i walked into the room, a boy caught my eye. His own following me like a predator stalking its prey. He smiled as I let Kay sit me down next to her while she took a seat next to him. She introduced him as Walker and then went to talk to her friends. Throughout the course of that hour and a half we were in that room, he had gotten me enthralled in him. Throughout the course of two weeks, he had gotten me to fall totally and udderly in love with him. I’ve never fallen so hard in my life for anyone. He made me laugh so hard, and be the happiest girl in the world.
To this day, Walker makes me as happy as I could ever be. He comforts me, helps me through the hardest things, makes me so mad that I want to hurt him, and manages to make me love him more everyday. Sometimes I look into his eyes and wonder how I got so lucky. Through him I met my present best friend, and she’s beyond perfect. In my life I’ve been beaten down to the point where I couldn’t think of going on one more day, I’ve been told to kill myself, I’ve been harassed, been in a fight, I’ve been used, abused, and even thrown into the ground. But I’ve never given up. And right now, I’m going to therapy, but I’m happy with my friends. I have troubles with my anxiety to this day, but I don’t let it overrule me. I have depression now, but I do not let that define me. It’s simply a state of mind, and if I can get through all of the things that my mind tricks me into thinking. That I’m not worth living, that I’m the worst person in this world, that I’m all alone. Then I can get through anything. Remember friends, that everything is possible if you will it, and you want it. My best friend and her boyfriend makes me laugh uncontrollably, my boyfriend of 5 months makes me happier than I’ve thought possible. I keep in touch with Katie, and she makes me feel every one of my emotions, because not feeling isn’t healthy. And I’m not alone anymore, I have support. It’s been a year on October 28 since I’ve self mutilated, and that’s the longest I’ve been clean since 6th grade. I’m okay now.
So as I said before, my story is unique. It doesn’t matter what anyone’s opinion about it is, but that doesn’t mean they don’t mean anything. Everyone has a voice, everyone has troubles, but how you control them is your choice. Sometimes you can’t choose to be happy because of things dragging you down, and don’t ever believe someone when they say you have no reason to be unhappy. You do have a reason, and sometimes all it needs to be done with, is to express it, or to feel it. If one things right from those hopeless love stories, it’s pain demands to be felt. You now know my story, but my past does not define me. You can be who you want to be, all you have to do is act.